Recovery

I'll never forget that night. The night that changed my life.

I cannot tell you how many times I wish I was dead or how many moments devoted to creating art with a sharp object on my body as if it were a canvas.

I was convinced no one would ever know. That no one cared. I was convinced no one would get hurt with the exception of me. 

Well, I was wrong.

That night still haunts me to this day. 

I still wake up in terror, paralyzed from what happened. 

I will never forget the faces of my loved ones. I will never forget what my older brother said to me that night and the tears in his eyes with red puffy stained cheeks. "Don't you _____ leave me." That line and his hug stuck to me like glue. 

This is not a story of sadness. This is not a story with a cherry on top.

It is simply a story of recovery. 

More than I like to admit I have relapsed. Foolishly I use to think those two words; recovery and relapse were meant for drugs, alcohol, and pornography. 

I will never forget the many times my friends grabbed my arm gently and turned it over exposing my godly creation. Either followed with sadness and teary eyes, fingers lightly pressing on my scars like piano keys, or light kisses. 

To this day I still wonder if I would be missed by friends and teachers and the students at my schools or if it will just be another sadden day with church clothes and forced kindness towards others then the next day will be as if I never existed. Of course I never want anyone to be sad over me. I still wonder. I still wonder if students knew who was truly writing this would they sign out and never read my blog again. 

I'll never forget the road I went down and the people that dragged me with them and I let them. I do not blame anyone but myself. 

Whenever I begin to grab an object flashes of suppressed colors and scenes as if from a movie. Faces of loved ones that mean so much to me come to mind. 

I promised to be a better me. 

I know what that means now. 

Your question? Does it get better? 

Your answer. I'm still alive. So are you. 

Stay strong, you are beautiful. If you are a boy you are beautiful as well. I believe in you. Hold on.